jesus fucked my unicorn in the neckhole

Elka: What if I was at your bedside and then I was like “you know what, Jews really are moneygrubbers.”

KC: [laughs] That’s not the same thing at all.

Elka: You don’t trash your own identity to cheer someone else up. That’s stupid.

KC: I think it was a joke.

Elka: Well it’s not a very funny joke, it’s a stupid joke.

KC: Alright.

Elka: Plus, Alice has never been bisexual.

KC: Don’t point that pen at me. [laughs]

Elka: It’s just really stupid, and I found it kind of insulting.

KC: Okay. I thought it was funny myself.

Elka: Okay, it was funny. [both laugh] But that doesn’t make it not stupid.

KC: Okay, forgot to take your medication again. Your mood is like, “I hate everything. It was funny!

Elka: No! Well something that’s stupid can still be funny, I mean, look at you.

[both laugh]

KC: Alright hold on, I’m coming over there to kick your ass.

Elka: Welcome to the Planet! The podcast for L Word fre…ferns.

[both laugh]

Elka: Welco…Ah no!

KC: Ferns?? Ferrr…fre…freeee…freeey….fruit.

Elka: Neeeeoommp. Rewind…play. Welcome to the Planet! The podcast for L Word fans!

KC: [laughs] I can’t hold it in!

Elka: Did I sound a little…

KC: You sounded very excited to be here and your facial expression cracks my shit up!

Elka: Okay, maybe you should do it…

KC: I don’t know if I can…stop smiling so big! What are you so happy about? Is a stripper coming?

Elka: This is the first beer I’ve had all week and I’m soo happy about it.

KC: Are you shitting me? It’s Thursday.

Elka: They told me not to drink alcohol for a while after I gave blood.

KC: Really? I’d be like “I’m never giving blood again mofos.” Why do I have to do it?

Elka: Cause I just tried and failed twice.

KC: Welcome to the Planet! The podcast for L Word ffffffferns.

[both laugh]

Accepting submissions!

I didn’t really get into the podcast until 2009 and by the time I found it, KC and Elka had already finished podcasting so I missed all the Kelka Pride and Forum stuff. Sooooooo, if anyone has quotes, posts, pictures, art, videos, or anything else they’d like to submit, feel free! The ask and submit options are open, so send away! :)

KC: Oh, actually the very last scene of the show is, uhhh, Lara’s out getting coffee in the hallway or something in the hospital, and Dr. Shapiro walks up to her and ummm, he pulls out of his jacket, he’s like “I thought maybe you’d wanna keep this”, and it’s Dana’s nipple in a baggie. [laughs] And Lara’s like “thank you!” and she kisses it through the plastic “muah!”

Elka: You know that one of us is gonna be struck down with like, rectal cancer as punishment for this.

Elka: So she walks up to Dana. What did Bette say to Dana? “We all love you.”

KC: No, she walked up to her, tenderly touched her hand, and said “I can’t believe you lied to us, you fucking bitch!”

Elka: Then she slaps her and runs away.

KC: Yeah, then she slaps her bandages off.

Elka: Oh, God!

[both laugh]

KC: And her nipple falls on the floor.

Elka: Oh, shit!

KC: And she picks it up and throws it at Dana and it just goes “gloop” right in the middle of her forehead.

Elka: “DO YOU WANT SOME SAUSAGE?”

KC: Right the middle of her forehead. “Gloop”.

Elka: That is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard.

KC: Okay.

[both laugh]

Elka: Oh, that hurt me. I can’t believe some of the shit that comes out of your mouth.

KC: So, seriously…

Elka: It’s really hard to cross the line with me, but you have succeeded.

KC: [laughing] She walks up to her, really slowly, everybody’s…

Elka: I’m sure, we’re laughing our…it’s fiction, I just keep reminding myself, cause otherwise I would be in a little fetal ball on the kitchen floor.

KC: Next week Shane…[laughs] And they make like a human barf noise it was like, it seriously sounded like “buuuhhhhh!” like a person! And then they show like some egg yolk mixed with vinegar or something pouring on her shoes. That was…

Elka: “I was waitlisted for these shoes!”

KC: Did she say that?

Elka: No.

KC: Oh, but that’s also…[laughs] Okay, see, they did this super accurate job on the peeing and farting thing, but then the dog vomit they couldn’t get straight. It looked like someone had a pitcher…like a glass of egg yolk and vinegar and just went splat…that’s not how a dog barfs. A dog, when it’s getting ready to barf puts its mouth an inch from the ground and it’s like “buuuuuaaaaaaaaaaaa!” and then it just kind pours out of their mouth. It’s not like…

Elka: This is disgusting! Why are you saying this?

KC: [laughs] Dogs don’t projectile vomit! That’s all I’m saying.

Elka: And then if you don’t feel like cleaning it up you just walk away and when you come back it’s gone.

KC: Ewww! [laughs] Ummm, are you speaking from experience?

Elka: NO! [laughs]

KC: You have a guilty…[laughs] You’re lying!

Elka: No, but sometimes you’re in the other room and you hear it, and then by the time you get into that room there’s nothing.

KC: EWWW! Yeah, we need to move on, that’s gross.